Vivid dreams

"Wow. I just had this really vivid dream. Of a woman I knew living up on the really elevated place and the only way she could get out of that place to see her daughter again was to drive a car off the cliffs, follow a railway track to find a landing spot and crash land the car. 

She asked me along and I did. I remember the car taking off the cliffs. The euphoria and anxiety of suspending in the air, gliding above a curvy railway track before the car crashed and we got thrown out of it. 

We landed on to this tall brown waterfall like structure where she leaped off the structure and landed safely into the water underneath. She was shouting for me to trust the fall in but I was fearful of falling wrongly from the height. I could see the water below has shallow spots. 

In the end I was attempting to climb down, it was slippery, I was successful for awhile but later on I realise the only way to get down was to jump in. So I did. Then I woke up.

The waterfall was incredibly high."

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"What was your dream trying to tell you?"

20 May 2026

Choice

“And sometimes the hardest part of growth is realising that 

the life you once chose is not necessarily the life you would choose again.”

- ChatGPT

So profound. 

Aren’t we glad we get to live in the times of AI? 

We get to explore deeper parts about our selves that we haven’t discovered.

It is true compassion and conviction is making me circle. 

But if I search deeper, I know I have already landed—closer to whom I desire to be. 

I already know. Just need to trust it.

halo

I've been riding the clouds recently...

It's been blowing my mind. I never knew I would feel this way again. There's this big rumbling of energy pulsing through my veins, rushing into my heart. I wish I can describe it more. How insane this feels! I want to write everything down but there are priorities I should be focussing on now. I'd better get to it... 

But I will end this post with this song, this is very close. Till next time, I'll write again.

stop the cycle

Dear Me,

You are 41.

Who have you become?

What have you gained or left behind?

What have you learnt or unlearnt?

Where are you now?

A lot hasn't been said or written in many years

Perhaps the demands of motherhood

took away the self you ever knew

Days you've spent toiling

worrying

carrying

everybody else's weight

except your own

I know you fought

Damn hard you did

This body you now carry

tells a tale of determination

Those fitness classes you teach

Dance classes you kept

Pilates courses you took

You fought to keep a part

all to yourself

I'm damn proud you did

Atlas,

for all that you have given

much more may be taken

when a marriage finally ends--

the stakes are higher now

Did you cry?

Did you crumble?

Did you despair?

Did your self break into million pieces?

Yes, it did

But, you don’t surrender.

You are still here

still breathing

still choosing

still alive

You are 41

This voice

This self

You can get it back

Now go.

Go get her back.

Love, me.

I’m 38

It’s nearly 2am. Restless is the mind as the children sleep heartily at my left and right. I’ve been keeping busy of late and even busier after. A little afraid looking at my calendar getting packed to the brim. Why am I so restless? Why do I need to do so much? Something’s missing? Something does.

Sometimes

I feel emotionally disconnected and unavailable. I really don’t feel like connecting at all.  

One Life

I'm 35 now. I calculated.

If I lived to 80, I would have reached approx. 43% of my lifespan this year.

43%

At 43%, what matters most to me now?

Now that I'm a mum, a stay home mum at that, does my contentment come from the fulfilled duty of an organised home, a well-stocked fridge, and zealous commitment to the well-being of my family? 

Has the consuming labour of childcare taken over my life? Have my son and family become my only world? Have I come to terms with whatever I've chosen to leave behind and learnt how to embrace this noble role wholeheartedly?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

I've been returning to this blog a couple times now--since my last post in 2017. It seemed what has happened then and after, has put a screeching halt to the personal rumination I used to enjoy. Perhaps, I'm learning to live more in the present now. Or perhaps, I've stopped thinking. 

Maybe good, maybe bad.

Thus today, I made a decision and conscious effort to commit myself to fruitful endeavours. Cease all the mindless activities I've been allowing myself to get carried away with, and nurture better habits henceforth. I'm thankful I've been given the luxury of time to myself again (thank you childcare) but it's 6 more months to the restart of another daily grind--to the birth of another, and then getting lost again for the next 2 years.

I hope I use this time well.

Wish me luck!